Indecisive: Posing at the Café

At the bookstore, there is so much noise from the high pressure milk steamer and the chatter from the clientele that I can barely think straight. I always see people here studying or writing on their notebook computers, hoping to write the next great American novel or pretending to do so. With all of this noise, is it at all possible to concentrate long enough to put out a decent product?  Still, here I am, just another poser, hoping that the cafe atmosphere will somehow be inspiring.

Last week, while I was writing a poem on my laptop, which, for reasons that I cannot explain, was making me feel extremely awkward, a woman approached me and asked me what I was writing and if I was a writer. I said, “No, I’m not a writer.  I just write for fun.” She looked disappointed and I think that she would have preferred if I said yes. When I was in my twenties and performing my poetry at various readings throughout the county, I would have not hesitated to tell her that I was a writer and a poet, blah blah blah…  Now, I feel, since I have not been published, I can not say that I am a writer. Is that fair to me? Am I being too hard on myself? I just don’t want to be caught up looking like a bullshit artist. Also, since I have never completed a novel, regardless if it was published or not, I refuse to call myself a writer.

To admit that I am a writer is to admit that I am a bad writer. A bad writer is a writer who writes poorly or a writer who does not write enough. If I had my choice, I would rather be a writer who writes poorly and in volume than a writer who writes well, but not at all. Lately, I feel like the latter.

I have had writer’s block for too long. I have ideas of things that I want to write, but I am not executing those ideas. I am squandering my talent (and I don’t even feel very talented.) When I see vulgar trash like Fifty Shades of Grey reach the top of the New York Times best seller list, I wonder what I could achieve if I could only finish what I start. Would I rather be a writer who writes poorly who gets published than be a writer who writes well and is never published? What I want is to write well and in a way that is marketable to the general public. I probably need to go back to school just to be that good at the craft. I could always just keep writing for fun and hope that something comes of it in the future, but that would be similar to target shooting at ten thousand yards with a blindfold on.

By the way, I never did finish that poem I was writing.  I couldn’t help but feel like a phony.  Now, a few days later, I am writing about the incident and how it made me feel.  I guess I could be a writer if I only tried.